


The Softer Side of Steel

by bYeFeliciaah



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Reveal, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Doesn't Know Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 03:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17521406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bYeFeliciaah/pseuds/bYeFeliciaah
Summary: ‘She hated herself for finding comfort in the familiar blues and reds, hated herself for indulging in those brief moments with the city beneath them.But, standing on that balcony, Supergirl before her with those understanding eyes and gentle assurances, something about it had her softening.It was too much, yet not enough all at once. She craved for both her company, and her distance. A paradox that had Lena pulling at her hair most nights.’Lena has a conversation with Supergirl about Krypton and her mother, seeing a softer side to National City’s hero. She soon finds herself having late night conversations with the Girl of Steel - revealing parts of herself she never thought she would - and can’t seem to stop.





	1. Damaged Dreams and Discussions

**Author's Note:**

> Set at the end of 3x23 
> 
> I wasn’t going to post this as it’s kinda short but my friend enjoyed it and told me to so...here we have it. I’m not sure if I’m going to leave it as a one shot or take it further but comment down below what you think!

 

The sky was dark, a black void that hung over National City like a thick cloth. It was clear of clouds, lonely in its stretch of darkness - quite a contrast to the bright cape drifting upwards in the wind, the golden yellow curls almost shining with the light from behind her. A figure sat precariously on the railing, what would usually have sent Lena’s heart plummeting considering the height of the building - if it weren’t for the fact that the person could fly. 

Supergirl's legs were swinging in a steady rhythm, boots narrowly missing the glass of the balcony before pushing back into the air. Her fingers were lightly clutching at a metal rail, shoulders sagged as she watched the pedestrians below. The sight was rather breathtaking, serene - Lena almost wanted to take a picture. Girl of Steel soft in the glow of the city. That’s what she’d name it.

“You’ll get cold,” The comment was quiet, drifting away with the breeze and it still managed to startle her, “That dress can’t be very warming.” Supergirl didn’t take her eyes off the city, focus remaining on the streets below.

“We’re in California.” Lena quipped, nearing the balcony with a hesitant step. She rested her elbows against the rail, eyes following the hero’s. There was a young girl below, sporting a wide smile and cheery laughter as she skipped between a man and woman, hands grasping at each of theirs. “They look happy.”

“They do.” Her voice was missing all of Supergirl's might, soft and forlorn almost. Withering away with the wind like a wiltered rose. 

“You don’t sound so happy about that. I mean, you saved National City, you want the people to be happy.”

“I didn’t just save National City. We all did, the DEO, Julia, the legion,” She looked up then, meeting Lena’s eyes for the first time, “ _You_.”

“That’s right,” She offered up a soft smile, taken aback by the sadness that swirled in electric blues, “Why the frown then? Reign is gone, Sam’s safe, the city’s safe.”

“I miss it, is all.” The loss laced in Supergirl's voice didn’t scream victory whatsoever, even if they’d saved the world from destruction. It was longing, broken almost, and Lena had never imagined hearing that from the Girl of Steel. Especially now that they barely spoke.

“Miss what?” Curiosity piqued and a strange level of concern brimming beneath it all lead Lena to pushing for an answer.

“My family, my planet. Walking along with my mother and father, just like that.” She pointed to the family that were now rounding a corner, smiling between themselves. “Sneaking into science meetings to listen to my father speak of new developments and talking to my Aunt when I was meant to be sleeping. Reading Kryptonian scripts, running about with friends and braiding my mothers hair.”

The words were heavy, settling on Lena’s chest like chains. After all, their relationship had been anything but friendly as of late, barely managing professional. And here was Supergirl, stripped of her steel fists and matching steely gaze, vulnerable and soft.  Speaking to a Luthor about her home planet. “Changing Superman’s diapers.” The jibe lightened the mood slightly, evoking a soft chuckle from Lena at Supergirl’s grin. 

“You changed Superman’s diapers?”

“Of course I did. He was only a baby when he left Krypton, I was a teenager by then.” Supergirl drifted into the air, floating back down like a feather and landing beside Lena. “The explosion of my planet knocked my pod of course, sent me into a phantom zone where time didn’t exist. I landed on Earth twenty four years later and he was already grown up.”

“You remember it all then, Krypton?” Lena couldn’t imagine what that’d feel like: losing an entire planet. Losing everyone she’d ever known. Remembering their faces and voices. Being forced onto an alien planet, with alien people and alien customs. Supergirl had lost a language, culture, music, writing - everything that made a world, a world.

“I did, and I thought Superman and I were the only ones left. He of course didn’t remember anything, and maybe he wasn’t that keen on knowing.” There was a certain resentment there, weaved in her tone; perhaps pushed away and forgotten about. “Maybe it would’ve just made him long for something he couldn’t have.”

“Why do you say that?” Lena had to admit to the thrill that rushed through her at the prospect of learning things about Supergirl. About Krypton. This mysterious woman with powers beyond imagining was a person. A person that lived her life as anyone else, who had lost and grieved, laughed and loved.

“He left me with another family.” Despite the initial resentment, she didn’t seem too hurt, almost content maybe. At peace. “I mean, they’re some of the most important people in my life now, so I can’t resent him for that.”

A silence washed over them, a lot more comfortable than the times the air was static with tension - the bad kind that grated at Lena’s resolve, that tried to peel back that harboured anger. Perhaps trust was something neither of them could ever achieve. Whether it was the Luthor legacy, or something else; Lena would always be a threat to Supergirl, the only one capable of forging Kryptonite. And Supergirl had breached her own trust, asking the man she was dating to look into her personal vault. But maybe they could be civil. At least now, Lena felt comfortable.

“I heard about what you found when looking for the Harun-El. Krypton's still alive?”

“A small part of Krypton. The remnants of the capital city. It’s being reconstructed again, perhaps it’s wounds are too deep to ever be the same, but it’s somewhat like my old home.” Supergirl looked towards her, arms resting in a similar way to her own, leant forwards in a relaxed position. The light caught her eyes as they shifted; sparkling - something familiar and yet unlike anything she’d seen. Like constellations resided there, stars trapped inside from all that time spent in space. “My mothers alive.”

“That’s amazing, I’m truly glad for you.” Lena’s heart ached with want, mind flashing images of reuniting with her own mother. Her real mother. Not Lillian, the cold hearted bitch that neglected her at every turn. No, she longed for the warm embrace of her birth mother, the soft humming that had ingrained itself somewhere in her memory. There was nothing else left but flashes of black hair and green eyes, ice cold water on a crisp Sunday morning.

“It is, really. It’s just...strange. I’ve spent half my life thinking my mother was dead, thinking my planet was gone, the only thing left of it being Kryptonite. And even that I can’t find comfort in, considering,” She shrugged, no menace at the mention of the chemical substance, “It’s a bit hard to comprehend.” 

“Cherish it, Supergirl. Spend every minute thanking the universe that you get a second chance. I think I’d do anything to see my birth mother again.” _I’d_ _do anything to go back to that day and drag her from that lake. To hold her once more._

“Thank you. I’ll be sure to.”

The breeze picked up, finally causing a response in Lena’s body; bare arms rising with goosebumps. She folded them across her chest, holding them tight.

Supergirl's cape rose with the wind, the sound of fluttering material and a whistle that sounded from the tops of the skyscrapers. Instead of looming over them, the black sky offered a tranquillity that couldn’t be achieved in the blinding sun. A silver of the moon cast its glow over the right side of her face, peaking out behind the buildings to the right. Or perhaps it was the light from the city.

“Are you going back?” The question hung in the air, unfinished. “Back home?”

Supergirl hesitated, looking over her shoulder at the commotion inside, laughter muffled by the glass doors that led to the DEO. And then she was looking at Lena. “If I’m being honest with you, Ms Luthor, I’m not quite sure where home is.”

“You and me both, Supergirl.”

They stood in silence, the city quiet beneath them; rid of sirens and violence.

Maybe there was a future where the two of them could work together again - without the tense atmosphere that had them knocking heads at every minute. Where Lena could look at the hero without that anger rising up her spine, where she wasn’t constantly reminded of her brothers deeds, Cadmus’ deeds (deed was a rather dull name for the atrocities they’d committed).

Maybe they’d be friends. Lena liked to think she could forgive Supergirl and get back to where they were before, but it would take time. She didn’t know if she was quite ready to bury that hatchet. For now, though, she’d enjoy the Super’s company.

“There you are.” A warm voice sounded from behind, disrupting the calm atmosphere that had settled over them for the first time since...since when, Lena didn’t know. She didn’t know when their dynamic had changed.

“Mother,” Supergirl turned around, eyes lighting up like a blue flame, walking towards the woman with a fond grasp at the shoulders. Lena didn’t think she’d ever seen her that happy, beaming, an unreserved love that shone - relentless. Supergirl could love and she could love deeply.

“I don’t believe we’ve met.” Supergirl's mother turned towards Lena, a welcoming smile that had her reminded of Rhea. Although she was sure this smile was genuine, unlike the lies and deceit that hid behind the Daxamite Queen’s. Her eyes were warm and welcoming, a beauty that resembled National City’s hero. 

“Lena. Lena Luthor.” She outstretched a hand, taking in the firm handshake the Kryptonian offered. 

“Ah, so you’re the one that helped my daughter defeat Reign.” Lena didn’t miss the impressed look that crossed her face, and felt utterly pathetic for eating it up with a slight stutter in her chest. It probably didn’t go missed by either of the women, considering their outstanding hearing. “I’m Alura.”

“It’s lovely to meet you. I can’t imagine how it felt to be reunited with your daughter.” 

“Words can’t express it.” Perhaps she should’ve felt jealous. After all that was all she’d ever wanted - a mother’s love that lasted even when they were separated. And yet she couldn’t bring herself to. Supergirl had lost an entire planet, a naive teenager that would later have the weight of another world on her shoulders. And now she’d gotten a small part of it back. Lena could wholeheartedly say that she was happy for the hero. A true, genuine happiness for her. “You should both come inside, celebrate.”

“I’ll be in soon, I was just watching over the city.”

“Of course, you’ll always be looking for danger.” A fond pat on the back and a kiss on the cheek and Alura was walking back inside - all the grace of a queen.

“You should go inside, celebrate with everyone,” Lena advised, meeting Supergirl's eyes as she turned from her mothers retreating figure.

“Why did you come out here?”

“It was mainly to get some fresh air, but, you looked kind of lonely - so that too.” The smile pulling at her lips couldn’t be stopped. Whether it was the hero’s newfound vulnerability - so very human, a longing that reminded Lena of herself - or something else. Maybe she wasn’t meant to figure it out just yet. And that was okay. For once in her life she didn’t feel like analysing everything until it was figured out; ready to be dealt with accordingly.

“Well, thank you, Miss Luthor. I’ve enjoyed your company.” The playful wink she sent her had Lena wondering who Supergirl was - truly. If she had a day job, a family like she’d mentioned previously, who her friends were and if she had a love.

“I’ve quite enjoyed yours t-“

“Supergirl! Get your flat ass in here!” The shout startled Lena in her place, the high pitch of Alex’s voice cracking through the night like a whip.

Supergirl's eyes widened, flashing towards the DEO as she spluttered incoherently. She glanced at her backside, then to Lena, a downright mortified look on her face. “Flat a-“

“We have pizza!” Then all was forgotten as a gust of wind had Lena stumbling back, hair fluttering upwards, a flash of red and blue crossing her sight.

She watched as Supergirl reached for the pizza, cheering loudly with a wide grin, arm wrapped around her mothers shoulders. Alex was to her right, Winn, the old director and a number of DEO agents surrounding them. She felt oddly distant from the scene, despite it being only metres in front of her. Like it was through a television screen, or she was Ebenezer Scrooge looking at a Christmas vision.

Until Supergirl stopped mid laugh and met her with an intense gaze - a soft steel, a paradox of ice and warmth, moon and sun. And like a magnet, she waved her inside and Lena obliged. Heels clacking against the steps as she walked, joining the others with a light feeling in her heart. Like something had been lifted from her chest. Maybe it was Sam’s safety and Reigns defeat. Maybe it was Supergirl’s soft words on the balcony. Or maybe it was the community she felt as Alex looked up, nudging the pizza box in her direction and Winn greeted her with a cheer. Or how J’onn J’onzz nodded his head with respect and Supergirl beamed at her as she took a bite of the pizza and smiled back just as brightly. 

Lena didn’t need to figure out why just yet, and that was okay.

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment any ideas you have of where I can take it, if you like it as a one shot that’s cool too :)


	2. Warm Winds and Whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe a lie would’ve been best. ‘Business is proving to be quite busy lately’ or ‘I work best at night.’ Something to get Supergirl off her shoulders and back into the night sky to do something other than standing on a Luthor’s balcony and talking about feelings. But it seemed her mind had other ideas.”
> 
> Adam’s dead and Lena knows it’s her fault, perhaps she’s just another Luthor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback on this story! I was thinking of leaving it as a one shot but thought it had some potential for more. I don’t really enjoy stories including the relationship between Lena and Supergirl as I like the idea of Lena falling in love with Kara rather than her hero counterpart, but here we go. There’s a lot of speech in this and I haven’t read through it all because I wanted to post it before 12am (British time), so sorry if there’s any mistakes!

The deep, amber liquid sloshed against the glass, teetering dangerously close to the edge. It’s golden hue was reflected against the stark, white desk; shimmers of brown and yellow as Lena picked it up and necked it in one. The expensive bottle of whisky felt lighter as she poured another, embracing the bite at the back of her throat as she sipped on the refill. 

Lena wanted to feel numb. Wanted that familiar sense of nothingness to close over her heart and spread to her fingertips. An icy cold that halted any emotions, leaving them paralysed and buried somewhere deep. Being numb was better than the heavy ache that had nestled itself into her chest and taken root, gripping ahold of her like vines. Having a hollow heart was better than one that was riddled with guilt and sorrow. She planned on getting drunk senseless, until everything blurred and nothing really mattered - where she could forget. That’s all she wanted to do. Forget. 

The tears pricked at the corners of her eyes before she could attempt to stop them, vision blurring and chest constricting with a soundless sob - more of a heave. As if she were about to bring up the contents in her stomach, or like taking a huge gulp of air when coming up on the surface from being underwater. 

Lena was drowning in her own emotions. Slowly drifting further and further, sinking deeper and deeper into herself - too far to be saved. Just a ripple beneath the surface. 

She deserved every ounce of pain.

A tear streamed down a defined cheekbone, falling from fair skin and dropping onto the desk silently. Everything was silent, leaving room for Lena’s loud thoughts that riddled her mind and crept into each crevice of her brain. 

She was a terrible person. A stone cold Luthor. Perhaps she was finally living up to the family name.

 _Test subject 0331_. That’s all he was, all he was meant to be. An experiment, a number scrawled with black ink onto white paper. 

 _Time of death, 4:03am_. Lena felt the pain simmering beneath her skin like fire, setting ablaze every cell and bone in her body. Perhaps another four glasses of whiskey would extinguish the burning trail and replace it with ice. Or five.

She didn’t know when the line had been crossed from test subject to Adam, it was all rather a blur, memories plagued by the images of his last breaths. It felt almost surreal, those three minutes where Lena breathed a sigh of relief and let herself believe she’d done something great. Let herself hope. And then it all came crashing down, like always.

Those moments where everything seemed to be going fine - great even; those thoughts that blinded Lena with an unrealistic reality, naivety; the fleeting glint in Adam’s eyes as he gained strength unimaginable, and hoped, just as Lena. They all stacked up into one great pile and crumbled at her feet, bringing down any and all belief that she could do good with it. 

It was pathetic, to imagine a Luthor could do something to benefit anybody. Every time she tried, there was always something that knocked it all down. Maybe she wasn’t meant for good after all.

It had been exactly 19 hours since Adam’s death. She’d buried herself in paperwork during the day - forgoing sleep altogether; afraid of the dark solitude of her room and the emptiness she’d face with closed eyes. Emptiness that would be tainted with flashes of blood and death. Of last breaths and pained eyes - Adam’s eyes, hollow and lifeless.

The exhaustion was wearing on her, shoulders slumping and a persistent throb behind her eyes. Still, she sat behind her desk working into the night, until the pain became unbearable and the bottle of whiskey was brought out with trembling hands. 

The ticking of the clock on her office wall reminded her of the emptiness of the room, the silence. Lena felt incredibly lonely in that moment, more so than often. Opening up her phone, she glanced at the contacts, finger hovering over James’ until she found herself clicking onto another just above it. She mustered up a wistful smile at the picture in the small circle above her name, a wide grin, crinkled blue eyes and a scrunched up nose. 

It was no lie that Lena cared quite a deal for Kara Danvers. Or rather, had cared a lot, before she’d been pushed away and ignored for weeks. Perhaps it was her own fault for sending Mon-El away with the lead dispenser, and Kara just needed space. But soon enough Lena found herself drifting towards James in some bout of desperation, and even as they started rekindling their friendship; it all felt a bit strained.

She’d moved on, but sometimes - in moments where grief took over her heart and everything felt a bit broken; she found herself reminiscing over the times where Kara would’ve held her close and whispered reassurances. 

The phone icon shone a bright blue and white on the screen, looking all too tempting. All she wanted to do was call her, pour every ounce of pain into talking - aching to take some of the weight from her chest. But she was too much of a coward.

She clicked off the contact and stared at James’ for a while, until deciding she didn’t want to speak after all.

The ticking was starting to grate on her nerves, the walls feeling all too constricting, and so Lena made her way to the balcony door; sliding it open without much struggle. Her breath misted in the crisp air, a wisp of white that rose against the blackness of the sky and stretched far above her into the night. Her red cheeks felt like a furnace compared to the cold - the effects of the whisky no doubt - that offered a cool reprieve. The breeze dusted over bare arms and down the curve of a spine from her open-backed dress, soft rather than biting.

The city looked desolate almost, mostly empty - some buildings lit up bright against the dark, the bank district down the street luminous in it’s gentle glow of signs and glass windows. An occasional car passed by - minuscule to Lena’s eye, insignificant in the whole scheme of things. It was strange how people lived on in moments when others felt like the world had stopped spinning, how there were thoughts and dreams in every single human she passed on the street. How every car that passed had people living lives separate to her own - with different stories and uncertain futures.

The thought unsettled her.

She swirled the drink at hand, taking another large sip and resting it back against the balcony railing. A gust of wind nudged her forwards, causing her hand to stretch and grasp at the railing - realising once she’d balanced herself that she was no longer holding the glass. Chancing a glance below, she expected to see it hurtling towards the ground - but instead saw miles of empty space that led to the empty street. The height twisted her stomach, threatening to bring the whisky back up.

“I believe you dropped something, Ms Luthor.” Supergirl’s voice sounded out from above her, unwavering against the strong winds. She drifted in the air, trademark stance with hands on her hips; cape lifting and rising with a steady rhythm that matched the movement of her hair, hovering effortlessly above Lena’s balcony. It should’ve startled her - after all, usually when somebody came out of nowhere they were trying to assassinate her - and yet it didn’t. Maybe she expected something like that from the hero. “That could’ve been fatal for anyone walking by.”

The front of her suit glistened: drops of liquid grazing the bright crest on her chest like raindrops. Something glinted in her hand - a shard of glass that refracted the light from inside her office, digging into impenetrable skin.

“It’s a good job you’re made of steel then.”She remarked, lifting an eyebrow as the superhero continued to hover - somewhat awkwardly. “You can land on the balcony. I didn’t know Kryptonians needed permission before entering a building.”

“Technically, landing on your balcony wouldn’t be entering the building.” Supergirl flashed a cheeky grin, a movement that reminded her of somebody she just couldn’t put her finger on. “Now that you mention it, I do react quite badly to garlic.” 

“I better get rid of my secret stash then.” Lena watched attentively as she drifted towards her, boots settling against the surface of her balcony as gently as a feather.

“Ah...that’s what that smell is.” She scrunched up her nose, a familiar crinkle presenting itself between her eyebrows as she sniffed at the air.

“You got me.” Lena raised her hands, amusement brimming beneath warm eyes that had—moments before—held unshed tears that fought against the iciness that guarded them and let themselves run free.“Why don’t I get you something to clean up?” Retreating back into her office without a response, Lena returned with a handful of tissues, handing them over to the Girl of Steel.

“What are you doing out here so late?” Supergirl dabbed at her chest, grimacing at the strong scent of whisky as it soaked into the white material.

“I could ask you the same thing, don’t superhero’s need sleep?”

“I do need sleep. There was somebody calling for help.” She leaned against the balcony similarly to the time at the DEO, except now to the right of Lena.

“What did they need help with?” There must’ve been thousands of people asking for help everyday - and Lena recognised that Supergirl didn’t just limit herself to National City. There were news stories of her saving the day in other states and sometimes even clips in different continents. Maybe she rarely got a full nights sleep.

“He just needed to talk to somebody. A teenage boy that had been conditioned by society to hold back his emotions and act like a man. He felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone and I guess life just got to him and he wasn’t doing so well.”

Something about it resonated with Lena. She was extremely accustomed to hiding emotions and keeping quiet in moments where all she wanted to do was talk to somebody. How on Earth did Supergirl handle something like that? She wasn’t exactly the brand of emotional support...more like, steel fists and heat vision.

“What did you do?” She watched as the hero scrunched up the tissue into a ball and whisked back and forth to the trash can in less than a second. It was strange seeing her use her powers in a casual manner, and Lena wondered if she used them in everyday life to cheat human ways. Most likely.

“I told him that it was okay to show his emotions, to talk to the people closest to him; parents, friends, teachers. I told him that what he was feeling was real and that if he ever needed anything to just call for me.” Her voice was soft, missing Supergirl’s harsh bite that screamed justice and strength. Now replaced by something that echoed with compassion and empathy. “He was getting harassed by a bunch of seniors at school. It’s safe to say they will be avoiding him from now on.”

“So you don’t just do the extravagant, heroic stuff? Like stopping bank robberies and putting out fires?” It was more of a rhetorical question as she regarded the woman before her. Lena felt a sense of guilt, flashes of telling Kara to ‘never meet your heroes’. Perhaps part of it was the truth, Supergirl had blown the Kryptonite incident way out of proportion, and yet here she was; helping people in the times she should’ve been resting, when there wasn’t an immediate threat of life. “Interesting.” 

“There’s so much more to saving people than what they show on the news channels. Sometimes it’s about saving people from themselves, or helping somebody understand that it’s okay to ask for help.” The words rose like petals in the breeze: delicate and soft to Lena’s ears. Supergirl was a bit like a rose herself; beautiful, elegant - and yet she had her thorns, she was strong and powerful. Perhaps Lena was a bit like a rose too.

“And what about you, Supergirl? Who comes to you when you need help?” 

“The people I care about. I have family and friends that are there for me constantly. When it’s physical matters, like the fight with reign...well, I have the DEO for that.” Her eyes held a compassion that Lena longed for. If only she had people that cared for her like Supergirl did her friends. There was only one person she’d seen look at her like that, and that was Kara. “I feel like you might be the one needing help tonight, however. What are you doing out here so late?”

“I felt too confined inside my office.” Lena felt her defences kicking in, blocking out all thoughts of Adam and the stupid experiment that lead to his death.

“Why are you still working? It’s almost midnight.”

Maybe a lie would’ve been best. ‘Business is proving to be quite busy lately’ or ‘I work best at night.’ Something to get Supergirl off her shoulders and back into the night sky to do something other than standing on a Luthor’s balcony and talking about feelings. But it seemed her mind had other ideas. 

“It helps get my mind off things, I’m not sure I want to face my empty apartment just yet.” The truth visibly shocked the hero, Lena could see her mulling over the words with furrowed brows and pursed lips, fists clenching lightly at the rail. Holding back enough to not leave any dents in the metal.

She was expecting some deep, philosophical response about her current...predicament, but was relived to find Supergirl wasn’t in the mood for chats that scraped up all of Lena’s weaknesses and insecurities. “Can you at least be more careful with your drink? And actually get home safely?”

“It sounds like you care about me, Supergirl.” Her voice was laced with bitter mirth, eyes sharp and void of any amusement. It came off harsher than she’d wanted, harsh enough to cause the Kryptonian to falter slightly.

“I care about the wellbeing of every citizen in National City.” The answer was simple, something expected from a hero - the furthest thing from personal Lena could’ve asked for. That was good, she reminded herself, and yet the admission stung nonetheless. Perhaps she deserved it, she was the one that set the boundaries of their relationship being strictly necessary for work. The one that made it clear they didn’t have a friendship.

“Even the bad ones?”

“You’re not bad, Lena, but yes...to some extent.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Lena turned her back towards Supergirl, tracing the outline of the skyline in an attempt to hold back the tears she could feel pricking at the ice.

“You’re one of the most intelligent women I know, and you use that intelligence to build technology to help people for the better. I’d say that’s pretty darn great.” The steel in her voice had returned, determined; as if her life depended on telling her that she was good. How ironic.

“Not everything I do is good, Supergirl. Sometimes people get hurt.”

“I don’t know the full extent of what you do as the CEO of L-Corp, and I don’t know all the experiments that you carry out...but if your intentions are good and you’re wishing for a better future, that’s hardly bad. You’ve done so much good for National City since you’ve been here.”

Supergirls insistence should’ve comforted her; should’ve made her realise that there were people that truly believed she was good. But Lena was well beyond that. The moment she picked up her glass was the moment where all reasoning was buried deep, and all she could see in the reflection of her office windows was a stone cold Luthor.

“It doesn’t matter what my intentions are, casualties are casualties - and letting them happen is immoral. I knew - before I’d even stepped into the lab - the full extent of risks we’d be facing, and yet I chose to continue-–“

Perhaps it was the whisky that had lowered her inhibitions - though, realistically, Lena knew she hadn’t drank enough to cause any lasting damage - or maybe it was Supergirls soft eyes that were reading her like an open book and held this deep understanding. Like she knew what it was like to hold the weight of a persons life on her shoulders, the weight of a list of names tallied by her brother. But Lena couldn’t stop the torrent of words that began flowing freely from her mouth like scotch into her tumbler.

“-–I chose to let somebody die at the expense of science. I chose to let my brother run off the rails, I chose to send away the Daxamite’s with a device my brother created for evil, one I knew had a chance—no matter how slim—of hurting the people of National City. I chose-“

Supergirl rounded on Lena, eyes raking over her face with a deep determination until they settled on her eyes; searching, trying to struggle their way through steel defences. “You saved us all from the Daxamite invasion, and you are not at fault for your brothers actions.”

“I chose to experiment on a substance that I knew nothing of in some stupid act of carelessness. And somebody died. I let somebody die, Supergirl...and for that, I’m really not a good person.” The words caught in her throat, straining against the deep remorse that had her choking for breath, that gripped at her heart like an iron fist. Like some nth metal on a mission to see the organ crushed into minuscule pieces - barely visible to the human eye.

Wrapping her arms around herself—searching for any means of comfort available—Lena looked down at the taillights of passing cars, the dancing light on the sidewalk that illuminated windows in their wake.

“What were you hoping would be the outcome of this experiment? What were you trying to achieve?”

Lena felt the frustration growing...why couldn’t Supergirl just ridicule her? Yell at her for risking lives and trying to be a hero she’d never be. That would be better than all this stupid prying.

“I had the foolish idea that it could cure heart diseases, maybe even cancer...I had hopes that this could be revolutionary, a pathway into medical science that before we could’ve only imagined. And as always; that came crumbling at my feet.” Lena held back the knowledge that it was in fact the Harun-El Supergirl had salvaged from her home planet that she was experimenting on. And that one of her aims was human invulnerability, powers that resembled a Kryptonian’s - even if it was an added bonus, Lena still wanted it to happen. She had a feeling that knowledge wouldn’t sit very well with the hero. “I gave my patient hope and then crushed it all with my pinky finger.”

“What you’re trying to achieve is incredible, Lena, and the fact that you have the means to do so is breathtaking.” Supergirl chanced gripping at her shoulders gently, palms warm against her skin through the thin fabric of her shirt. “I’m sure you went into this with the highest odds of success you could manage, and your patient mustn’t have been healthy if you’re on a mission to cure diseases. What you’re doing is brilliant, and you should never view it as bad.“

Lena brushed her hands off, missing the dejected look that crossed her features as she turned back towards the city. “I chose to forge Kryptonite and you freaked out about that, but when I get a human killed it’s okay?”

“I recognise now that you produced the Kryptonite to save us. I took it way out of hand, and truthfully...it was because I was scared. I’m- I acted irresponsibly, without thinking of the consequences. As much as I try not to be, I’m quite human on the inside. Whether it’s human or alien, you’re doing things for the better. I’m sorry I made you doubt my trust in you as an ally.” The words felt too structured for Lena; crafted in a way that seemed almost robotic. Perhaps it was in her nature to be unable to recognise something when it was coming from the heart.

Lena scoffed, a guttural sound that scratched at the back of her throat like a sharp blade. “You are literally made of steel, that’s hardly human, Supergirl.” 

“I think and feel the same as any human, Lena...I know you see that.” Lena thought there was hurt somewhere in her voice, but couldn’t be sure without looking. But she was stubborn, and eye contact felt too intimate and vulnerable. 

“Do I, Supergirl? I hardly know you.” She looked then, saw the range of emotions crossing the woman’s face; sadness, something akin to guilt and regret (if Lena knew what any emotion looked like it would be guilt).

“Look, Lena-“

“If all you came to do was scold me about my drinking habits and try to make me believe I’m good then you can leave the same way you came.” She backed into her office, spinning around with an air of elegance despite the shakiness of her legs; hands fumbling with the scotch and pouring a fresh glass. 

“You dropped your drink on me, the least you could do is pour me one.” Supergirl hesitated at the door, resting a hand against the glass window - amusement shining through the awkward movement.

“Are there laws for flying and drinking?” Lena asked with genuine curiosity - surely a drunk superhero flying about the city couldn’t be safe.

“This stuff?” Supergirl pointed to the expensive bottle of whisky, probably worth more than her rent, “Doesn’t do a thing.”

“That sounds awfully boring, how do you supers have fun?” She poured a second glass, swirling it about under the harsh light of the office, slowly walking over to the woman and handing it over.

“I’m not sure about my cousin, but I’ve tried an alcohol that can get me drunk and...let’s say a drunk Kryptonian isn’t the wisest idea.” They stood facing each other, a reflection of the times Supergirl had dropped by for business in the past, or for some heroic act to save the CEO. “You know Lena, I’ve made mistakes.”

“Where are you going with this?” Lena felt the urge to roll her eyes, but the intense way Supergirl was gazing at her - electric blues both gentle and unrelenting as she stood unmoved by Lena’s reluctance to listen - had her trying to swallow down the a lump in her throat; transfixed on whatever the hero had to say.

“One of my biggest regrets has always been leaving Krypton. Since I landed on earth, I’ve felt responsible in some way...like I could’ve done something, but instead let myself be carried away. I watched my planet explode before me, everything I’d ever known suddenly just...gone.” The lilt of her voice was soft; something about it reminded Lena of humming along to a song during a hot summer.

“I know what it feels like to have the weight of people’s lives on your shoulders. It took me a while to realise that there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent the explosion of my planet...even longer to realise that it wasn’t my fault.” She could see the turmoil stretching across her features, a pain she herself had felt ever since the death of her mother. Something about the words settled somewhere in Lena’s chest and lifted the weight that was the burden of watching her mother drown and doing nothing. Maybe there was nothing she could’ve done. 

And yet, Adam was different. Lena did kill him this time. “I injected Adam with the substance that killed him, Supergirl...I’d say that’s strikingly different.” 

“Perhaps,” She flitted her eyes from the deep amber liquid to Lena’s face, voice almost a whisper, “But Adam would’ve died anyway, eventually. At least he died doing something for a good cause. There will always be losses when it comes to doing something good, whether that’s the loss of life or your own personal sacrifice...not everybody can be happy. I’ve learned that the hard way.”

“Maybe.” Lena swallowed the rest of her scotch, watching as Supergirl did the same; face contorting into a slight grimace. “What, can’t handle your whisky?”

“It’s just not particularly nice, I don’t understand why you humans willingly drink this.” She looked at the drink as if it’d offended her, eyes narrowing dangerously; seemingly preparing to use heat vision. Something about the actionlooked adorable, it seemed ridiculous to think so considering the meer strength of the Kryptonian.

Lena was taken aback by her own feelings that the silence stretched between them, Supergirl searching her face for something as she tried to process the words without answering with incoherent sentences. She reigned in the feeling bubbling somewhere in her gut and glanced at the empty tumbler in hand.

“To forget.” The answer held hidden depths, an underlying emotion that Lena was all too familiar with, something resembling pain. That was the main reason she drank now, when she was alone it was never for enjoyment.

“I guess I can understand that.” It was said in a way that Lena couldn’t help but believe, carrying something akin to what she herself was feeling.

“What do you do when you want to forget?” There was another beat of silence that followed as Supergirl looked behind Lena at the office, studying each detail as if trying to look for the words to say in response.

“My method is usually doing everything I can to distract myself...recently that was throwing myself into the role of Supergirl and being everywhere I could possibly be.” Lena wondered what it was that she wanted to forget, but thought pushing for an answer wouldn’t be wise; considering the heated conversation they’d just had.

“I can understand that,” Lena echoed, “I find being a CEO is a great excuse for overworking when you’re trying to distance yourself from situations or emotions.” 

“I can see, considering.” Supergirl gestured towards Lena, glancing at the paperwork spread across her desk hazardously; spreadsheets taking up the computer screen where she’d left it. 

“I also shove everything into little boxes...mainly emotions. It works a charm and keeps you focused on the present.” A bitter feeling washed over her as she noted that tonight those boxes had been abandoned; emotions tipped over and flooded out - expressed in foolish words to the Super. Lena felt herself reconstructing them, beginning to suppress anything that threatened to bubble up on the surface.

“So, that’s your secret huh, boxes?” She said it as if it were some mystery that’d been unveiled, eyebrows raised and voice high in a way that Lena recognised as teasing. The night had veered to a much lighter path - surprisingly.

“They come in quite handy.” Lena folded her arms across her chest and leant against the doorframe, a warm breeze causing the stray hairs from her tight bun to flutter lightly. 

“I’ve learnt that forgetting isn’t always good. Your experiences sh-“ Supergirl’s head whipped up suddenly, eyes alert and urgent. Where before her features had been soft and smiling, a crinkle at the corner of soft eyes and nose scrunched up in amusement; now they were sharp and steely. 

”What’s wrong?” Lena hushed out, heartbeat picking up a pace as she watched the hero search into the night. 

“There’s an emergency.” Lena followed as she rushed out onto the balcony, stance guarded and ready to shoot off into the air. She hesitated, looking back towards the CEO with a slight smile, “You should probably think of getting home soon.”

“I will.” Shockingly - Lena meant it.

They stood for a while, unwilling to part so suddenly - watching each other intently beneath the glow of her office. 

“I’ll see you around?”

”Yeah.” It came out like a whisper, intertwining with the wind - surely unheard by human ears from Supergirl’s distance. 

“Bye, Lena.” Supergirl chanced one more look back before she was shooting off into the sky, cape billowing behind her from the force, until she was out of slight. 

And Lena was left staring out at the skyline. Although this time she didn’t feel the urge to drown everything out with glass after glass of whiskey. This time she savoured the feel of warm hands against her shoulders; bright, blue eyes ever-searching with a strong determination, and ingrained the words that Supergirl spoke somewhere in the back of her mind. 

Lena had gotten herself into something and she wasn’t quite sure what.


	3. Painful Paradoxes and Powerlessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘She realised, with a sense of astonishment, that she was afraid.
> 
> Afraid of the look of loss in her eyes, like it was inevitable that whatever it was she was holding back would come between them.’
> 
> Supergirl gets vulnerable™.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay, it’s been a hot minute. I had a break from writing purely out of a lack of inspiration, but lately I’ve been writing a lot so wanted to return to this. This is probably one of my favourite pieces, along with ‘Writing Your Name’, so I really want to continue it. I hope you enjoy the long overdue chapter <3
> 
> Also pls tell me why I went for alliteration when naming these chapters, I fucking hate past me :)

  

The damage had been done. It had been dealt, so to speak. Because that’s how Lena saw it really; just another business deal she had to watch fall through, or rather - aid in falling through. It wasn’t a surprise, and neither was it planned...it just happened, and that’s how Lena would’ve seen it happen. 

James didn’t put up much of a fuss, which was greatly appreciated on Lena’s part. It would’ve been harder to handle if he’d begged at her feet, or even declared his love in some dramatic way. He’d muttered under his breath and left; just as she’d asked. It was almost too easy. 

Putting the Harun-El experiments on hold was a harder decision. The want to do good, to break away from the Luthor name, it was stronger than her ambition. Even if that ambition was heading towards helping people worldwide, ultimately; there would be losses. And one loss felt like millions when she had to see the faces of the people she’d eventually murder. 

Adam hadn’t left her mind since he’d died...since she’d killed him. His dull eyes and stiff fingers, they circled her mind throughout the day, and even more so throughout the night. A full nights sleep was buried along with him, just like the Harun-El she’d stored in the depths of a vault. Life had paled increasingly, despite the short amount of time she knew him. Yet, she felt herself growing numb; the grief in her heart replaced with stone, her veins laced with ice. Tiny boxes stacking higher.

A tiny part of her saw stopping the Harun-El experiments as selfish. It was her that had to face the grief of losing people, and maybe that’s why she truly stopped. To prevent the inevitable tainting of her conscience, to save herself. Everything always fell onto her shoulders in the end. She couldn’t help but place the blame there. 

The thoughts of blame swirled around in her brain until she was thinking of National City’s caped hero—she found herself doing that quite often as of late—and the way Lena had acted the night she’d landed on her balcony; splashed in whiskey and bringing about this light that helped to push away some of her dark thoughts. 

Lena could admit when she was wrong, it was something she prided herself in, and her anger at Supergirl had been misplaced. It was herself she was angry at. 

Perhaps an apology should be in order, she thought as she got ready to face another day, and she ignored the curious glances of customers and staff alike at the donut store she stopped at on the way to work. 

' _Sorry for being an ass - L_ '  Lena left the note with a box of donuts on her roof, hoping the Super would notice it with that impeccible sight of hers. 

Maybe it was an invitation. An invitation to land on her balcony and strike up another night of back and forth conversation that usually ended with Lena’s heart feeling heavy. She hated to admit it, but there was a part of her that longed to see the superhero. That missed her, almost. But of course, it was merely a matter of apologising, and then their lives would go on, divided and strained. It was easier that way. 

Still, as the day came to a close, she found herself glancing out at the view more often than not; eyes tracing over buildings and the expanse of blue behind them. It was almost too much, having access to such a clear view of everything happening below her. It felt like too much freedom, too much freedom to dwell and wait. 

When it neared eight o’clock and the sky had begun to darken considerably, Lena dropped the pen she’d been writing with for the better part of an hour, clenching and unclenching her hand into a fist. Her fingers resisted the movement, stiff and sore - empty. Without a pen, without the movement against a keyboard; there was nothing to distract herself from the urge to bring out a bottle of wine or whiskey. She snapped herself out of that train of thought, needing her head to be clear for whatever was to come of the night. 

The office became too much, too familiar, too foreign. Everything inside of it belonged to Lena, that much was certain, but there was a nagging voice at the back of her head suggesting  she didn’t belong. That she was a guest in somebody else’s home. It was enough to get her to step outside on the balcony, heels echoing against the concrete, disrupting the quiet of the city. 

She supposed it wasn’t late enough to imagine the citizens cooped up in their beds, silent, streets desolate and sleeping. Instead, she imagined them softened beneath the light of television screens and fireplaces, hot coffees and socked feet. Each tucked away in their own space, existing beneath triangular roofs and living in their own worlds, at least for the night. Whilst the real world continued on the streets with a hush about it; not wanting to disturb the people in their homes. 

She imagined Kara sat with fluffy pyjamas and blankets, sleepy eyes and glasses sliding down her nose as she watched a sitcom on the TV. Then, she wondered what kind of life Supergirl lived beneath her roof. Was it one similar to her own? Detached and fleeting, moments that consisted of eating, sleeping and remaking. Readying her mask at the beginning of the day and stripping it off beneath a steaming shower, only to be applied again in the morning. 

Maybe she lived a warm life, one with family and togetherness. Perhaps she lived a lonely life.

It didn’t matter, not really. Their lives beneath their roofs would never coincide, would never be brought up or touched upon. At least not in a way that truly revealed what they did in their own homes. They could get personal, it’d happened. Lena was only human after all, and sometimes emotions needed to breach the surface. But existing with Supergirl in her private space, even getting a glimpse at the kind of life she lived without a cape, that would never happen. 

All of this churned around her mind as she watched a broken streetlight flicker against the darkness, the sky almost veiled in black - only a hint of midnight blue as the moon shone brightly from above. 

Waiting. 

Lena stood on the balcony for twenty minutes before she heard the distinct sound of fabric ruffling in the wind. Before she saw the red cape and the golden locks and the large symbol painted against a familiar chest. 

“Thank you for the apology. It tasted divine.” Supergirl landed on the balcony when Lena made no move, a slight grin pulling at her lips as she gave the CEO a once over. “I’m not sure it was needed, however.” 

Lena watched her every movement, the way she brushed back her windswept hair and moved her cape away from the heel of her boot to avoid standing on it. The way she leant against the balcony casually, an air of nonchalance, but the folding of her arms and the clenching of her jaw gave away her uneasiness. 

She had to take a deep breath for composure before speaking, composure from what she wasn’t sure. “It was certainly needed. I acted out of hand. You were just trying to help and I threw it back in your face.” 

“The only thing thrown in my face was a glass of whiskey, if I remember correctly,” She smirked, pointing at the spot in which Lena had dropped her glass. “Do you know what? I think there’s still a hint of it on my suit.” 

“I can have it dry cleaned for you,” Lena offered, feeling the urge to brush off where the offending liquid had fallen. But that would be in a rather compromising position. 

“I think that will be quite a headline. ‘Lena Luthor dry cleans Supergirl’s suit’,” She joked, yet Lena noticed the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Her posture wasn’t as straight, eyes not as bright. “They’d either think you have me tied up in your basement, or tied down to _you_.” 

“Trust me, Supergirl. I’m not usually the one doing the tying up.” Lena felt a rush of pride at the sight of Supergirl’s cheeks turning a light shade of pink, the nights objective seemingly lost. 

The Super cleared her throat, tracing a finger along the metal rail. “Glad to hear.” 

“Really?” Lena lifted a brow, leaning closer to the alien. Perhaps flirting with a Super when she’d technically dehumanised her—it felt odd using that term for somebody who wasn’t human, not physically at least—the night before may not have been the greatest idea, but she couldn’t quite help herself. Supergirl  was attractive, family feuds and tense relationships aside, and Lena was only human after all. 

“I mean- not- you-“

“I’m only joking with you,” She chuckled, placing a palm against her shoulder. The hero’s eyes followed the action, gaze flitting to Lena’s face and back. It felt too much, in that moment, so she removed her hand, settling it into the crook of her elbow instead. “Look, Supergirl. I really do need to apologise for last night.” 

“You-“

“Just...listen. I have this habit of projecting my anger at myself onto other people, and my anger was certainly misplaced last night. You were trying to comfort me and I really wasn’t in a place that could accept any kind of comfort, any kind of reassurance,” She explained, uncrossing her arms in favour of fiddling with her fingers, “I know you’re not wholly alien. You have feelings just as any human, vulnerabilities and weaknesses.” 

Supergirl watched her carefully, eyes soft as they searched her face. “It’s okay. Thank you...for apologising. And for saying that. It means a lot.” 

There wasn’t a reason for her to stay any longer. The apology had been spoken, small talk was pointless, Lena was trying to latch onto something to talk about. 

They lapsed into silence, standing beside one another as they looked over the city. It felt stifling, like a hot summers day, rather than peaceful. Perhaps that was just Lena’s imagination. She could feel her heartbeat pick up as the blue material of her suit brushed against her blazer sleeve, praying that Supergirl wasn’t listening. 

“I was going to drop by earlier when I first saw the donuts, but you weren’t in your office. I, um- planned to save one for you but...I got kinda hungry,” She winced, looking at the ground sheepishly. 

“You ate them all in one day?” Lena asked incredulously, raising a brow as she glanced at Supergirl’s figure; wondering where she stored it all. Perhaps Kryptonians needed more calories, more nutrition. She did fly about all day, stopping fires and robberies and whatnot - that must’ve taken a lot of energy. 

“Alien Biology,” She winked as she patted her stomach, “Gotta stock up on those calories. And who can resist donuts?” 

“Nobody that I know of,” Lena admitted, resting her arms against the rail. She watched as a car shot past, way above the speed limit, engine revving. “I broke it off with James.” It was out in the air before she could truly think on it. She didn’t quite know why she was telling the Super, it just came so naturally - the opening up, the deep conversations. 

“You did?” 

“Truthfully, it was a long time in waiting. I feel like I should be sad. Yet all I feel is a strange emptiness.” Lena wished she had a glass of something in her hand, something to tinker with or drink when her throat felt like it was closing in. Something to blame when she questioned why she’d spoken so openly, something to fall back on. 

“You’re not obligated to feel anything,” Supergirl leant forwards to meet her eyes, hair falling over her shoulder and moving with the wind. It looked like some kind of commercial, for a hair product perhaps, or a perfume. They should really think about hiring her. 

“You’re always trying to psychoanalyse me,” She chuckled, lacking amusement yet not bitter. “Maybe you’re a therapist in your every day life.” 

“Would you rather I stood here in silence? If that’s what you want, Ms. Luthor, I’ll be quiet from now on,” She stood straight, spine rigid, hands falling to her hips. 

“No, I’m sorry, I just- it’s frustrating that you have all these answers for everything. It’d be easier if you didn’t care, or were a clueless idiot who had no concept of human emotion and couldn’t possibly have all these answers.” Lena sighed, annoyed at herself for acting so irrationally defensive. She was trying to help after all. 

“Unfortunately, I’m very familiar with human emotion,” The hero muttered, voice suddenly turning solemn as she resigned herself to leaning beside Lena again. 

Despite her previous lighthearted demeanour and easy teasing, Lena could sense there was something off with the superhero. She hadn’t quite been smiling fully. Now, without the teasing to fall back on and those forced smiles, Lena could see the sadness simmering beneath the surface clearly. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” She answered truthfully, hands clasping together and clenching.

Lena watched as she repeated the motion a few times, as if trying to reign herself in. She glanced at her face, saw the tightening of her jaw, the glossiness of her eyes. She knew then that Supergirl was trying not to cry.

She wondered if it had anything to do with the government, the DEO and Supergirl being prevented from helping them. It must’ve been terrible; loosing that pillar. The support in fighting crime and delivering justice. Yet, Lena refrained from guessing, refrained from prying. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She offered, trying her hardest not to push. Resisting the urge to place a comforting palm against her back, Lena played with the edge of her blazer sleeve. 

“I don’t know.” 

Supergirl left not long after that, when they’d fallen into a tense silence, Lena not quite knowing how to move forward. It was an emergency halfway across the city, and perhaps that was the way the hero had to live her life. Constantly flying away to save the day, pushing down her own problems, her own emotions; in favour of helping others. It must’ve been a tiring life. 

Lena supposed she wasn’t much different. Pushing down her own shit in order to work, as a child, in order to please Lillian. She thought of boxes, stacking up until they threatened to spill. Hoping that Supergirl’s wouldn’t spill.

It had been a few days, and she’d tried not to think on the encounter too much. Work was piling high, sleep schedules were changing once again, and she couldn’t afford to be thinking about anything but work and getting through the day. Yet, her thoughts were elsewhere. 

Mainly on the flashes of sadness in Supergirl’s eyes as she looked to be struggling between talking or keeping quiet. She liked to think everything about her actions were welcoming that evening, yet couldn’t help the dash of regret for her previous attitude. 

And really, Lena was balanced between hoping those boxes would fall, and hoping they’d stay stable. Of course she cared about the Super’s wellbeing—although her last name would beg to differ—but there was this nagging at the back of her head. A buzz, more like a need. A need to see Supergirl, standing on her office balcony with the night sky as her backdrop. Wisdom only a hero with the weight of the world on her shoulder’s could impart. A connection she hadn’t felt with anyone since- since, well, Kara.

She hated herself for finding comfort in the familiar blues and reds, hated herself for indulging in those brief moments with the city beneath them. For allowing them to take their course, and allowing the Super to crawl deeper beneath her skin. To get deeper beneath the surface, her cold exterior. 

Lena was every bit a woman of steel herself. Harsh edges and ice masks crafted for the image of her CEO self, and in response to the barrage of hate that inevitably came along with being the sister of a misogynistic mass murderer. But, standing on that balcony, Supergirl before her with those understanding eyes and gentle assurances, something about it had her softening. 

It was too much, yet not enough all at once. She craved for both her company, and her distance. A paradox that had Lena pulling at her hair most nights, looking out of the window expectantly, only to be simultaneously disappointed and relieved.

Of course, those boxes...they did, eventually fall. They were always bound to, Lena’s often did - when she was at home alone with a bottle of wine and a book strewn on the sofa. It would happen every once in a while. She’d get stressed at the words on the page as they refused to be registered in her head, and then before she knew it, the tears would be spilling and she’d be choking on sobs, desperately trying to catch her breath. 

It wasn’t at L-Corp. Which was a red light in and of itself, almost too much. Crossing boundaries that hadn’t been discussed. It was at her apartment. She’d not long arrived home, taken off her heels and washed her face free of makeup. MIT jumper halfway over her head, she stilled at the sound of a tap on glass. Her balcony door in the living room, to be more accurate. 

Pulling the jumper all the way down, Lena reached for her drawer, heart feeling heavy with the weight in her hand. She could feel her pulse thrumming against the body of the gun, could hear her heartbeat as it thundered in her chest. 

Really not in the mood to be assassinated, Lena loaded the gun, creeping into the living area and expecting a man dressed all in black, only to be shocked by the sight of red and blue. 

Supergirl was on her balcony, arms wrapped tightly around herself, nervously chewing at her lip. Lena let her arms drop to her sides, grip slackening on the gun as she deposited it on the floor and rushed towards the balcony doors. 

“What...” Was all she uttered as she slid open the door, noticing the tear tracks on the Super’s face, the deep sadness welling in her eyes.

“I’m sorry for just showing up, I- it was the first place I thought of going, I can just leave, or sit out here until I clam down, I-“ 

“No. You’re okay, come inside,” Lena stepped aside, inviting the woman in with a soft smile. 

She looked around hesitantly, shoulders slumped—missing all of their hero righteousness and posture that screamed justice. There was no hip holding, no burning eyes, no clenched jaw. Only a timid looking girl in an outfit, with red eyes and a slight tremble in her hand.

“Is that a gun?” She looked at the object in question incredulously, eyebrows raised in skepticism. 

“My apartment is quite a popular spot for hitmen at this time of night,” Lena deadpanned, brushing off the accusation in Supergirl’s voice. The woman wasn’t in any place to question her, that much she knew. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Supergirl chewed at her lip more intensely, and Lena felt the need to ease it out of her teeth’s grip. Until she remembered it couldn’t really hurt her, the girl was invulnerable after all. She looked anything but in that moment, it was easy to forget she could repel bullets merely with her skin. 

“Would you like a drink? Hot, cold?” They made their way towards the kitchen, Supergirl trailing sulkily behind, hands clasped together.

“Um- do you, maybe have...hot chocolate?” The bashful way in which she spoke it—as if embarrassed about asking—cheeks turning the slightest shade of pink, eyes looking at the ground, was strangely  _adorable_. Dare she say it. 

“I’ll whip some up for you.” Because, yes. She did have hot chocolate. And that was mainly due to Kara, truthfully, who’d insisted buying a hot chocolate from Starbucks every once in a while was a waste of money when you could buy a whole pot of it from the supermarket, and it generally tasted better. And you could make it without leaving the house. 

She smiled gratefully, eyes lighting up in appreciation before dimming to their melancholy blue. 

Supergirl looked quite odd, shoulders slumped and mouth set in a deep frown as she stood beside Lena’s kitchen island. It was quite the image; the awkward way in which she stood, clad in a supersuit whilst looking oddly human. Oddly fragile. Like she could be broken with the slightest of harsh words from Lena. 

She retrieved everything in silence, aware of the Super’s gaze following her; unwavering as she met her eyes, unwavering as she looked away and boiled the kettle. “I like mine with water and milk, how do you like yours?” 

“Just milk.” 

Lena heated the milk in silence, occasionally glancing at the hero; biting at her thumbnail or placing a lock of hair behind her ear. The gestures were oddly familiar, a mirror of somebody she couldn’t quite place. She supposed they were just things people did in everyday life, that’s why it was familiar. 

“Marshmallows? Whipped cream?” Again, purchases, insisted by Kara, that were absolutely necessary. 

“Yes, please.”

Lena couldn’t help how taken aback she was at Supergirl’s quiet politeness, her timidness. How simple the words were, soft and barely spoken, almost whispers. It took her a few seconds to recover, trying not to stand gaping at her. It would only make her more conscious of the fact she was stood, upset in a Luthor’s apartment. 

“So...would you like to speak about it?” She asked as she placed the mug before her, gesturing to the stools next to the island. They sat quietly, beside one another, some distance between them. 

“I’m sorry for just turning up,” She picked at a marshmallow, running it between her thumb and finger as if to distract herself. It reminded her of Kara reaching for the Rubik’s cube, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s okay,” Placing a palm against her sleeved arm, Lena tried to offer support in the limited ways she knew. Kara often comforted her with physical contact, hugs or soft touches that said:  _I’m here for you_.  She scolded herself for thinking of her so frequently, especially when Supergirl seemingly needed her attention. “You’re clearly very upset.”

A beat of silence passed between them, and Lena retracted her hand, preoccupying them by wrapping them around her own mug. Supergirl took occasional sips, seeming happy with the marshmallows and the cream. She even managed to get some on her nose, and at least that cracked a wide smile as Lena pointed it out. 

Lena tried to control the slight uptick in her heartbeat at the sight, tried to not smile so wide or internally swoon. It just looked so...cute, and,  _damnit_. This train of thought needed to stop.

She watched as Supergirl took a deep breath, scooping up a bit of cream and licking at her finger— _no, that train of thought needs to remain untouched_ — before turning to her seriously. Lena tried to keep her eyes on her face, she really did try. She watched as her fingers curled in on themselves, clenching into a fist, and her tongue swiped over her lips. 

“Do you know what it’s like to be told by somebody you love that they think you can’t be vulnerable?” Voice weak and shaking, she looked at Lena with glossy eyes. “Somebody who has gotten you through your darkest moments of vulnerability, who held you close when you couldn’t be consoled after nightmares, who- who-“ 

Lena reached for her, clasping her warm hand; an intimate gesture that felt natural, like she’d done it before. Like she’d felt the details in the palm pushed up against hers, had studied the skin. Sighing, Supergirl continued, squeezing at her hand. 

“Who was the rock that I clung to when my senses were overloading and the only thing that could calm me down was the steady beat of her pulse. Somebody that had to remind me that I’m every bit as human as the rest of you, on the inside, when I was too hurt to want to continue being my human self. Someone who’s seen me on the brink of death, who’s reminded me time and time again that I’m not just a cape- not just a hero, but a person too, I-“

She stopped, voice thick and straining. A tear had made its way down her cheek, lonely in its path as it dropped from her chin, landing somewhere on her suit. Supergirl’s eyes held an infinite sadness that spanned for miles like a stretch of stars across the night sky. 

“I’m sorry for springing this all on you...it’s- we had to erase the memory of somebody close to me, just the memory of my human identity being Supergirl. Somebody who grew up with me in some of my darkest years. She doesn’t remember any of the times we spent flying, or- there’s so much she’s had to forget.” Supergirl rubbed at her eyes with her free hand, brushing away the tears that had fallen quickly, as if she didn’t want them to be seen. 

“I’m sorry. That must be awful.” There wasn’t much else she could say, not really. It wasn’t as if she had a solution, as if she knew who this woman was, as if she knew Supergirl’s human identity. She didn’t know how many friends she had, if any, if she had a significant other, if- there were so many unanswered questions, and Lena didn’t know how to help. 

“I can be vulnerable, I- mentally, emotionally at least.” It was spoken in a way that had Lena believing she was trying to convince herself more than anything. “I still have nightmares, I still have moments where I feel like everything’s closing in on me and I need to be in open space. I still have...I still have panic attacks.” 

“Supergirl.” Lena brought her hand closer, covering it with both her own as she tried to find her gaze, tried to convey things she didn’t quite know how to express. 

Their relationship had been rocky, a mixture of mistrust and anger, of tense conversations about Kryptonite and the Luthor’s. Rocky was an understatement, truthfully. But Lena knew that she needed to be there for this woman, as she’d been there for her. Supergirl had believed in her from the moment she arrived in National City, she’d saved her, worked with her, helped her handle things she didn’t know needed handling by anything but wine or whiskey. 

“I know you can be vulnerable. I’ve seen it firsthand, I’m  _seeing_  it firsthand.” Pointing to the hero’s form, she offered a warm smile. “I don’t know how I can help, but if a reminder of your humanity is what you need...from our experiences, you can act quite human. Paranoia, mistrust, anger...all human.” 

Lena’s tone was light, joking (despite the truth of the matter). After all, they’d somewhat moved past that. Supergirl gave her a pointed look, a pout pulling at her lips. 

“And...I’ve seen your love. Your love for saving people, for doing what’s right. Your love for your mother and your planet. I’ve seen your fear. I’ve seen your vulnerability, Supergirl. You’re not completely the Girl of Steel, not in here,” She prodded at her chest, at the symbol painted across it. A light tap at the proud ‘S’. “You’re not wholly alien, and you’re not wholly human. You’re...” 

Who was Supergirl? A beacon of hope? A warrior? A person? A friend? There were too many titles, too many things that stacked up to create a false image of the woman before her. Lena knew that she wasn’t just Supergirl, that she had a life. That the person standing before her was probably the closest version to herself—her  _true_ _self_ —she’d shown to somebody who didn’t know her human identity. 

“You’re you,” She said finally, cradling the hand between her own, staring into ocean blues that had this deep sincerity about them. Gratitude, hope, something deeper beneath the azure surface. 

“I- Lena, you-“ 

She hushed her stuttering with another squeeze of the hand, feeling the urge to wipe at her cheek where a stray tear had been making its way slowly. Instead, she grasped the hand harder. “You don’t need to be anything, _anyone,_ but you.” 

Supergirl looked to the wall, thumb picking at the fabric of her sleeve. “Thank you. I- you have no idea how much it means to hear you say that.”’

The lines in her face seemed to have worsened, deepened, mouth pulling down into a grimace as her whole demeanour slowly changed. From upset, to grateful to...Lena wasn’t sure. Regretful, perhaps? “What’s wrong?” 

“If you knew who I truly was, you wouldn’t think so highly of me,” Voice a whisper, Supergirl pulled her hand away, staring at them spread across her lap. “I’m afraid.” 

It was feeble, softer than she’d ever heard her speak before; voice catching, so vulnerable and innocent that Lena wasn’t sure it was the Girl of Steel before her. Of course, that’s why Supergirl had come to her that night, afraid that people saw her merely as the steel figure on posters and magazines. 

Perhaps she’d left the steel at home (wherever that was). Perhaps she wasn’t steel at all. 

“What are you afraid of?” Lena dared to ask, studying the furrow in Supergirl’s brow, the lines in her forehead.

“That you’ll hate me forever.” 

And Lena didn’t quite know what to make of that statement. Sure, she’d had a very strong distaste for the Super for a long while - understandably. But she didn’t quite know what would bring about any hate towards her. 

“I don’t think I  _could_  hate you. Not now, not since-“ She waved her hand about, lips not managing to form the right words. Not since what? Since their nighttime conversations beneath the moon, the view of National City before them? Was this a friendship they’d embarked on, perhaps a second chance? Lena didn’t quite know, but she knew that she couldn’t hate the woman before her. Not even if she tried. 

“You could. You don’t- I can’t- if you knew, you’d never want to talk to me again.” 

There was something in her tone of voice, the way she was looking at her - eyes holding this fear, this unadulterated defeat and loss, as if she’d already lost her somehow - that had Lena holding her breath. Waiting for something to crack, for some revelation or confession. She realised, with a sense of astonishment, that she was afraid. 

Afraid of the look of loss in her eyes, like it was inevitable that whatever it was she was holding back would come between them. Afraid that Supergirl valued whatever it was between them to the point of feeling a loss. Afraid that she’d feel that loss too, whenever it came about. 

Whatever it was; it couldn’t have been good. Lena wasn’t sure she wanted to know. 

“Why- do I know you-“ Lena studied the hero’s face, shifting closer, almost brushing knees, “Your human identity, I mean?”

The hero looked towards her boots, hair falling over her face, leaning away ever so slightly.“I’ve taken up enough of your time, I’m sorry for showing up so spontaneously.” Supergirl stood abruptly, pushing the empty mug in Lena’s direction. “I’ll be out of your hair.” 

She paused for a moment, staring down at Lena, who was very much planted in her stool. If it wasn’t the revelation that she may know Supergirl as her human counterpart, it was the sight of her almost towering above her; superhero stance reinstalled, all signs of crying disappeared, that had her mouth gaping. “Thank you, Lena. I- just, thank you, for being there tonight.” The sincerity in her voice was enough to warrant a soft smile from Lena as she rose from her seat, standing directly before her. 

“Always.” It sounded softer than intended, deeper, more intimate. Trying to avoid the intense eye contact Supergirl was currently indulging in, she made for the balcony, allowing herself to shut her eyes with her back turned. “When the time comes, I know you’ll be there for me.” 

It was safe, it lacked intimacy, emotions. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours, was the energy she was trying to give off. But as Supergirl stood—moonlight casting a certain glow around her that accentuated her god-like figure, her azure eyes—she couldn’t quite portray that in her features. Couldn’t quite contain the awe, the upturn of lips...couldn’t quite stop her hand from reaching out and gripping at her shoulder. 

_Always._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to wait for s4 to pan out before finishing this, and it’s inspired a lot of where I plan to take this story, so expect some canon, and probably some divergence too. I really wanted to write something on Kara’s reaction to Alex telling Supergirl she was steel inside and out, and didn’t know what vulnerability was (that shit hurted bros).
> 
> I wrote a lot of this before the reveal, so...eek I’m not prepared for that angst but it’s coming my dudes. It’s coming.


End file.
